dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
