I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
