No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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