i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
