Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
