Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
