Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
