we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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