I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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