You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
