I don't think brook has ever known best
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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