I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
