So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
