so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
