why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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