It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
