i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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