too bad you live with your parents still
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
