Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
