Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
