how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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