So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
