worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
