Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
