You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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