i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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