god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
