I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
