I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
