On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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