They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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