I think I died a long time ago.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
