In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
