is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
