Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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