normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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