I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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