he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
