last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
