I can text with my tongue
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Is Oprah even human
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
