sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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