I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
