So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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