Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
