i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
