Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
