you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
