i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
