Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let's get the cat blown out
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
