he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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